00benny rome


There's No Place Like Rome is a monologue written and performed by Benny Hill on March 14, 1979. It's name is an homage to the last line of the 1822 John Howard Payne song, "Home! Sweet Home."


They told us when we got to Rome it'd be like home for bone,
But the way they treats us Britons is a crime.
They done in old Charlie Klinger, a chariot wheel went over his finger.
Although he was scratching his backside at the time.

They feeds us pickled pork tough enough to break your fork;
They give us our gravy by the slice,
And it's always over-cooked or raw.
I think it's a religious law that it's always a burnt offering or a bloody sacrifice!

We sleeps eighteen to a cell and you oughta cop the smell,
But you know the one thing I think about that helps me get through the night.
My wife's left Bristol...
And gone to live in York.
So at least her and the kids will be all right.

One time at the lines before they chucks us to the lions,
My mate Albert came in one night after he provoked it;
He trod on over its tail, and this lion lets out a wail,
And bit off Albert's head, and that's what choked it.

It's a bit like football in a way cause they play it every Saturday.
They throw in the lion's virgins without a stitch,
Better off to make them lions roar
And you know never knowing the score, You never get spectatots inside to pitch!

Once Cleopatra came past, clasping her little asp.
I could't help wondering how those red lips of hers tasted.
And Arnold starts to snicker, "She's got an hour glass figure!"
Aye, and not a minute of it wasted!

She says, "Slave you will come with me. I shall want you to see
"That my skin is kept as soft and smooth as silk."
She puts money in my hand and says, "Go and get me 200 cans of pure goats milk."
Well, I nearly had a fit, she had a bath in it!
And she says, "Clean out the bath as you have been taught."
Well, I drained it back into the cans, and i sold it around the town.
And what's more I sold two more cans than I had bought!

She says, "Tonight, we will have an oghee."
I thought it was pronounced orgy.
She says, "No, love, an oghee's when there's four,
"And an orgy's when there's three...
"Because the third one says, "Orgy, there's no one here for me,
"And goes out the door!""

She says, "Help me prepare."
And she lets me brush her hair,
But she's got a dress on so at least she's halfing.
She says, "Give me my giggle garters."
I say, "Why are they called giggle garters?"
"Because once you get past them, old son, you're laughing!"

Then she grabs hold of my thighs,
And she looks into my eyes.
She says, "For your wildest desires, I'll gladly cater."
And there's me holding Cleopatra's charms in my two trembling arms,
So I...

Oh, blast... Here come those lions. I'll tell you later!