1jack and jill


Episode: 25
Date: December 17, 1975
Time: 50:17
Musical Director:
Vocals: The Ladybirds
Producer: Mark Stuart
Writer: Benny Hill



"Excuse me, is this the police station?"
"No, ma'am, that is my back side."

  • Quickie: Don't Jump!
  • A Host of Favorite Stars
    • Liza Minneli
    • The Amazing Kreskin
    • Moira Anderson
  • Opener: My Darling Lulu Belle
  • Pearl And Plain
  • Fred Scuttle: Mind Reader
  • Quickie: Disorder in the Office
  • Quickies on a Dance Floor
  • Jack And Jill
    • Ironsides
    • That's Life
    • Cyril's Scrap Book
    • Kojak
  • Eddie Buchanan - Mexican Cabaret
  • Dribble's Sights of London Trip
  • Monologue: The New Vicar
  • Quickies - 4
  • Guests: Dilys Watling - That Ain't No Way To Treat A Lady
  • Eddie Buchanan - Song of El Paso
  • Tag: Sports Day


  • Quickies on a Dance Floor
  • Benny does takes as Ironsides and Kojak, two American TV detectives
  • Sports Day



  • Fred Scuttle - "He's seen The Exorcist three times. I don't know what possessed him."

  • Priest - "Don't jump my son! Think of your wife and family!"
    Man on a Ledge - "I am. That's why I'm jumping!"

  • Male Dancer - "Remember, my dear, if we get married, we will have to keep it secret on account of my fans."
    Female Dancer - "But what if we have a baby?"
    Male Dancer - "Well, we'll tell the baby..."

  • Male Dancer - "My dad taught me to swim when I was only three. He took me to the lake and tossed me in. I wouldn't have mnded except everyone else was skating."

  • Kojak - "Clancy, did you check my tire?"
    Clancy - "You still have four."

  • Kojak - "No, lady, I can't go looking for your dog. Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper?" (Kojak gets an unheard response over the phone) "Your dog can't read...."

  • Jill - "Is this the 42nd Precinct??"
    Kojak - "No, lady, this is my back side."

  • Benny Hill -"Reading a book called the naked and the dead... Reminds me of my wife."

  • Benny Hill -"That's what the public wants... New faces."

  • Benny Hill - "It took an hour to put out the fire. Two to put out the firemen."

  • Benny Hill - "A woman like that could ruin a man... if he was lucky."

  • Benny Hill - "She uses so much perfume that when she stands still, she leaves a puddle."

  • Benny Hill - "Yesterday, she had four potatoes and custard, gefilte fish fingers, swee and sour tripe and jelly on chips."
    Jackie Wright - "All the same day?"
    Benny Hill - "All the same plate! She said, "What should I have to wash it all down?' I said 'Niagara Falls.'"


  • "Ironsides" and "Kojak" were both popular American crime dramas in the 70s. Benny reprised both characters in the same sketch in Murder on the Oregon Express.