Ernie Touch is the captain for the Dimpton City Football team, famous for the footwork of its star player, Ginger Thompkins, who Ernie can't stand and criticizes in an interview on television. He is also considered possibly the oldest player at the age of forty-eight. (Touch confesses he's only forty-seven.) Interviewed by Nicolas Parsons for the Holiday Sports Spectacular, he initially calls Ginger lovable when it's pointed out that he has caused an upsurge in interest from female fans, but eventually Parsons notices that Touch is repressing some anger and asks about jealousy in the team. At first, Touch tries to pass off the claim, but when Parsons reveals that Ginger is making more than the other players and that fans only show up when he plays, Touch starts venting and calls Ginger "a juvenile little twit," revealing Ginger's life with a mistress and having a nervous breadown as he calls Ginger a monster.
- Thompkins and Touch were both played by Benny Hill.